LGALG and ODAAT

My, my! Way long overdue on a post. Happy New Year.

Speaking of New Year, I don't think I have ever been more anxious for a new year to begin. So many changes in the grand of life like the economy and politics, but the ones that hit home for me are much more personal, on a micro level compared to the Earth and how it rotates.

I have two themes this year:

1. Let go and let God- I am learning each day just how much of a control freak I can be. I'll admit that I've always been one to like my burger my way, no mustard or catchup, thank you very much. But that's just the tip of the iceberg. And with kids, they really can bring out the controlling monster in me! Today while painting, I found myself only allowing one color of paint at a time. What if Picasso's mom didn't let him paint the way he wanted and insisted he paint the way she wanted him to paint? I have to let go, I have to let my kids be kids. I have to let my husband do things on his own. I have to stop trying to make things go the way I want them to run. Of course order and rules both have their place and they are both good to instill into a life. But I know I go way overboard and I really need to just let go. When I hold so tightly to something, I am just setting myself up for disappointment. I can not MAKE somebody else do something. I may beg and plead and manipulate to get what I want, but is that really what I want? I can not control my husband. I don't like some of the choices he makes but I think that rather than trying to change him, if I just let it go and release it to God, things might just run a bit more smoothly in our home.

2. One Day at a Time- Matthew 6:25-34
²⁵"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?

²⁶"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? ²⁸And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

³¹"So do not worry, saying, `What shall we eat?' or `What shall we drink?' or `What shall we wear?' ³²For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

I have had several years of anxiety issues. It's worry that tuns physical, my heart beats faster, I sweat, my breathing becomes faster. It's not fun. These verses are key for me and I know my healing is in Jesus Christ alone. But I also believe that God has gifted doctors in their knowledge and wisdom and so I am thankful for the doctors who assist me in maintaining a calmness rather than chaos.
So, that's the history... but to add to that as of this month, we are down an income. I used to work from home but we felt it was time we put that down. And this home has been so fresh and peaceful and clean since then. And if I take my focus off Christ, I get anxious. We revamped our budget with just one income, and after deleting all the exras (land line, Netflix, Newspaper, YMCA...) we have a monthly surplus of $9! That is without anything budgeted for clothing, vacations, savings, car malfunctions. It is simply the mortgage, utilities, gasoline, and food. We are in the position that if anything goes awry, we will be in deep doo-doo.
So, worry about what to eat or drink, or clothes to wear.... yup Matthew is just for me. One day at a time. And that is just the physical side.
Onto the emotional/relational....
Relapse is not fun. It stinks. I have lived the life of a co-dependant for over 4 years now. "Why now, after putting up with it for so long, while I am in recovery is it all of a sudden time for you to put your foot down?" he asked. I have a very hard time seeing where AA meets Jesus.
I have been so stinking mad and angry with the using and the mood swings and the lethargy and the unpredicatability that is drives me to look for a way out. I dont think Jesus would want me to look for a way out... I really think He would want me to look to Him. So my only understanding is just one day at a time, with Him all things are possible.

So, there ya have it, my New Years and the goals I have for myself:
Let go and Let God and
One day at a time.

Patience IS a virtue

Have you ever wanted something right now? I sure have. In fact, I think I am one of the most impatient people in my household. Waiting just kills me. Waiting seems like such a waste of time. Standing in long lines at the grocery store, sitting on the porch waiting for a bus that is 15 minutes past pick up time, standing at the front door watching a 13 year old look for her shoes when 10 minutes have past since I first told her to put her shoes on.... and the list keeps going.

In my life, I've to do a lot of waiting, and with that, you would think that I would have learned to be patient. Nope.

I was engaged for almost 2 years... waiting for the visa's to come through, waiting on US Embassies, things way beyond my control, like an ocean away. Warsaw to be exact. And then when he finally was given his visa, we had to wait for flight arrangements. Ah, those last several weeks leading up to his immigration were so LONG.

And then, my first pregnancy. The last half was like a million years long. At week 20 I was told that my baby girl had only 2 chambers of the heart working, that her spine was exposed, and that her head was much larger than it should be. And for the the next 4 months, I lived with every doctor under the sun telling me, "We just have to WAIT and see." And then once she was born, until she was about 2, everything was "wait and see." Will she talk? Will she be aware of her surroundings? Will she have some mental disabilities? Will she walk? Will she, will she, will she.... Oh, I came to cringe at the phrase, "wait and see."

There have been many more examples in my life when I have had to exercise patience. And it has been very hard for me on the inside. God may have blessed me with grace on the outside but I've always been a basket case of nervousness and anxiety and impatience on the inside.

About a month ago, as I was driving, the Lord told me to practice my patience. Usually I am one who drives carefully but the slowest driver in front of me will drive me nuts. I will properly change lanes just to get around him. And somehow in the process, I receive a sense of satisfaction when I zip around the pokey driver. Oh, it is amazing the endorphins that are released when I am finally going my desired speed with nobody in front of me to slow me down. So, as I set out on this particular errand, the Lord instructed me to practice my patience. It was so hard to just sit and wait behind every driver! I did not allow myself to pass, I remained in the right lane, accepting whatever came my way. The first 5 minutes were like pulling teeth.... but then an overwhelming peace covered me and I was so proud to be driving in victory over my impatience. "Thank you God for this lesson!" I said out loud in my van. I was excited to report to my husband that I had been patient!

My kids! I tell them all the time, "Have patience!" when they are nagging or relentlessly asking for a refil on their milk. Usually I am doing something else for them such as making a sandwich or finishing the dishes. When I was a child, in Ft. Woth, TX we learned a song at church about a little frog Herbert. To this day, I remember "The Patience Song" and my kids know it quite well now too! We have sung that song a million times, no doubt. Yest we all need more patience!

"No great thing is created suddenly, any more than a bunch of grapes or a fig. If you tell me that you desire a fig, I answer you that there must be time. Let it first blossom, then bear fruit, then ripen."
- Epictetus, first century Greek Stoic philosopher. Although he believed "Fate" controlled his life, isn't it good we know the Master Gardener who truly controls all things!

I'm also reminded of something my friend Helen says frequently... "It's not the end result, it's the journey, the process, the relationship." That makes sense! It's not the dark ripe fig- any dehydrater can make do that. But if you let it alone to do it's thing on the tree, it's a large green thing first, and after many many days in the sun it becomes the sweetest of fruits. Oh, my grandfather has fig trees and my Meema makes fig preserves. Compare that whole process to the store bought version of fig jam. Just no comparrision!

A book I am currently reading Family Fragrance talks about the aroma of Christ. I see how patience needs to be my aroma this week. As I sit here writing before anyone wakes up, I smell my glowing Pumpkin Spice candle, and I realize that my impatience is rotten. I need to put on my patiece so I don't stink. Today I am going to smell like patience! Let's just see how much easier the day goes, not just my day but my children and husband's day as well.

Stay tuned for "The Patience Test" results :)

rambling

Here I sit on my couch, waiting for Boston Legal to come on. So the TV is on and I'm half heatedly watching the Dancing show on TV. When I get to heaven, I know I am going to be a dancer. I am a prim a ballerina in my heart. But one who worships and praises, not one who performs with costumes and judges with paperplate-type score paddles.

So since we are waiting for the show to start, he doesn't want to watch dancing and that's OK. So he is sitting in his car just listening to his book on tape. I'm sitting here doing my thing and I'm OK with him doing his thing, but why do we not have a CD player for him to play his book inside. I make a comment about him sitting in his car, just sitting and how it just seems odd, like I've kicked him out or something. He said that it was OK.

Went camping this past weekend with Crossfire. Had a more than wonderful talk with Pam Crane sitting in the sand on the playground. We want to take the kids to their homestead to see the farm and the cows. Nadia wants to give a bottle to the baby cows :) I wonder if they drink formula or if they drink milk that has been milked from the milking machine.
Back to camping... love that Lina came, enjoyed getting to know Margie better, loved to watch all of the newlyweds interact and only wished I could have sat around the campfire with Randi, Helen, Pam, and Lina more than we had time for. Wished it was only a tad cooler, so the hot tea and cocoa were needed, not wanted. Wished I had looked into the trails and the yurt... but caring for 2 kids while hubby was the firemaster was a lot. Glad to see Baby Deema roll and explore the pine needles, dirt, and pine cones. Really want to camp agin this fall... glorious weekend to remember.

My de Quervain's tendinitis got bad in the spring so I had the surgery over the summer. But yesterday it started feeling achy.... today it is in pain. I cant figure out if it is the exact same thing or something very similar in close proximity to the tendons. Not sure what to do... hurts a lot today.

carpets got steam cleaned today, walking around in very wet socks, so why walk in wet socks? Why not walk bare footed??

Costco... I know I spent a lot more money than I expected. I had a list, I had a teen ager and a husband, maybe that is why. I think I should go alone. Humm.... but then I would take my time strolling and going leisurely up and down each aisle. So, maybe not the best time management. But I did like the gas for 2.79 at the club price!!

Well, guess that is getting all of my thoughts out of my mind and through my arms and out into print, maybe that will save some time for a bit extra sleep! Love me some sleep!

Captain, my captain!

For so long I have been at the helm and although have not liked it, out of necessity I had to assume that position. The boat was out in unchartered waters and the captain had fallen ill. I had to learn how to steer the boat, change the sails, watch the approaching weather, give orders, read a compass, lead a crew, repair the machinery, and in it all, somehow keep myself in tip top shape as I was the only one capable of running the ship.
But the captain is back. I'm overjoyed! I no longer have to run this ship that I never really wanted to steer in the first place! I can reassume my place as skipper. I can enjoy the aspects of sailing that I haven't been able to as I've had to keep my eyes on the bigger plan.
My captain is recovering and is a bit squeaky. He needs some time as he eases back into his position. "Easy does it," some say. I'm very eager for my role as interim to be over. I am anxious to take commands rather than bark them. Once I catch a breath from the excitement of seeing my captain up and at 'em, I realize that this 'change of the guard' may take a lot longer than a handshake and a done deal. Almost like I shouldn't get my hopes up this soon, as the captain is still using a cane. So here I find myself.... in a state of some kind of holding pattern. I feel kind of lost, a bit discombobulated, not sure which way to proceed.
It is an uneasy feeling, nauseous even. I feel as though I've been dethroned, even though I never wanted to be King. I feel like things are in such disarray, but I'm paralyzed and don't know to continue as captain or to be just a skipper. I feel like we are at a turning point, but not quite at the intersection. Here are some other words that give word images as to my state of mind and my feelings:

in que
waiting
on the verge
wandering
empty
out of gas
change of the guard

I'll be so glad when this change has happened and I am happily back to my good ole skipper self!

Adventures in Mothering

Normally Deanna makes quite a large mess in the kitchen as she prepares her breakfast. Her bus comes at 7AM and since Nadia isn't in school right now, I don't get up until the kids wake me up, so I'm not always up when Deanna is getting ready.
Deema has been in DC since Monday doing some renovation engineering at various Smithsonian museums, so I've been doing the single parent thing. Last night, I stopped in the drug store to purchase my weekly "FREE with rebate" items. This week it was Colgate toothpaste, and 2 Fructis items. While perusing the aisles, I found the refrigerated spirited beverages. I felt experimental so I purchased a 4 pack of Mudslide. It looked refreshing... Khaula, Irish Creme liquor, and vodka. Once the kids were down, I tried some, and bleck! It was not what I was expecting, so I dumped the last half down the drain and then tossed the bottle in the recycling bucket. It also left my stomach feeling kind of unsettled, not fun.
This morning, as I started the coffee pot, made the various milk potions for the little kids, and blankly stared into the fridge attempting to decide what I would fix for breakfast, I noticed an empty looking Mudslide bottle. I picked it up and indeed it was completely empty. It puzzled me. I then checked the others and a second bottle was almost gone as well. Things were not really making sense as I had not yet had that first sip of coffee. It dawned on me, "Perhaps Deanna thought it was chocolate milk!" So my heart kind of did a skip or two and then I wondered if she were drunk at school!! I called her worker who laughed. I called my husband, he laughed too. I was laughing by now as well!
We all came to the conclusion that if Deanna was drunk, I would get a call. Hopefully she wouldn't be suspended, hopefully she doesn't reek of vodka. Hopefully she didn't really drink it. The entire morning was like a suspenseful slow motion movie! I just couldn't wait for her to get home at 12:30!
At 12:15 the phone rang. "Mrs. Zaichenko, this is Mr. Washburn at SECEP, I have Deanna here.... she missed the bus, can you come get her?"
So once I picked her up and we were driving home we talked about her day. She said her tummy was really hurting her all day. Also, she got really sleepy and even had to take a nap. The teacher had to wake her. So then I decided to change subjects. I asked, "How was your chocolate milk this morning?" She asked, "How did you know I drank it?" As we proceeded to discuss the chocolate milk, I finally decided to tell her, "Deanna, it wasn't chocolate milk, it was an alcoholic drink." She was STUNNED! She said, "Well, no wonder it tasted kind of funny! I thought it was maybe a detox chocolate milk!"
So, here is an adventure in mothering I share with you. One for the scrapbooks, one she will never forget!

Have you been to the pit?

"There is no pit so deep that God’s love is not deeper still"
Corrie Ten Boom

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