Speaking of New Year, I don't think I have ever been more anxious for a new year to begin. So many changes in the grand of life like the economy and politics, but the ones that hit home for me are much more personal, on a micro level compared to the Earth and how it rotates.
I have two themes this year:
1. Let go and let God- I am learning each day just how much of a control freak I can be. I'll admit that I've always been one to like my burger my way, no mustard or catchup, thank you very much. But that's just the tip of the iceberg. And with kids, they really can bring out the controlling monster in me! Today while painting, I found myself only allowing one color of paint at a time. What if Picasso's mom didn't let him paint the way he wanted and insisted he paint the way she wanted him to paint? I have to let go, I have to let my kids be kids. I have to let my husband do things on his own. I have to stop trying to make things go the way I want them to run. Of course order and rules both have their place and they are both good to instill into a life. But I know I go way overboard and I really need to just let go. When I hold so tightly to something, I am just setting myself up for disappointment. I can not MAKE somebody else do something. I may beg and plead and manipulate to get what I want, but is that really what I want? I can not control my husband. I don't like some of the choices he makes but I think that rather than trying to change him, if I just let it go and release it to God, things might just run a bit more smoothly in our home.
2. One Day at a Time- Matthew 6:25-34
25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?
26"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? 28And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
31"So do not worry, saying, `What shall we eat?' or `What shall we drink?' or `What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
I have had several years of anxiety issues. It's worry that tuns physical, my heart beats faster, I sweat, my breathing becomes faster. It's not fun. These verses are key for me and I know my healing is in Jesus Christ alone. But I also believe that God has gifted doctors in their knowledge and wisdom and so I am thankful for the doctors who assist me in maintaining a calmness rather than chaos.So, that's the history... but to add to that as of this month, we are down an income. I used to work from home but we felt it was time we put that down. And this home has been so fresh and peaceful and clean since then. And if I take my focus off Christ, I get anxious. We revamped our budget with just one income, and after deleting all the exras (land line, Netflix, Newspaper, YMCA...) we have a monthly surplus of $9! That is without anything budgeted for clothing, vacations, savings, car malfunctions. It is simply the mortgage, utilities, gasoline, and food. We are in the position that if anything goes awry, we will be in deep doo-doo.
So, worry about what to eat or drink, or clothes to wear.... yup Matthew is just for me. One day at a time. And that is just the physical side.
Onto the emotional/relational....
Relapse is not fun. It stinks. I have lived the life of a co-dependant for over 4 years now. "Why now, after putting up with it for so long, while I am in recovery is it all of a sudden time for you to put your foot down?" he asked. I have a very hard time seeing where AA meets Jesus.
I have been so stinking mad and angry with the using and the mood swings and the lethargy and the unpredicatability that is drives me to look for a way out. I dont think Jesus would want me to look for a way out... I really think He would want me to look to Him. So my only understanding is just one day at a time, with Him all things are possible.
So, there ya have it, my New Years and the goals I have for myself:
Let go and Let God and
One day at a time.
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